


I'm Tired of a Sunset

by TheXJames



Series: It Matters How This Ends [3]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, F/F, Feelings, I'm Sorry, Introspection, Therapy, Way Too Much Exposition, fears, working through things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-06 20:19:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16394414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheXJames/pseuds/TheXJames
Summary: Beca isn’t new to kissing. She’d kissed many people before, guys and girls alike, between dating and crazy acapella parties. She’d had good kisses, bad kisses, sloppy kisses, great kisses, drunken kisses, a few awkward kisses. Kissing Chloe though, it wasn’t like anything she’d ever experienced before.Kissing Chloe was simple. Loving Chloe was simple.





	I'm Tired of a Sunset

**Author's Note:**

> So sorry it's been such a long time between posts guys. I could give you all the justifications of finals and being stuck at training without good internet but instead I'll just give you the next work in this series. 
> 
> So, this takes place before the last piece, which is why it has moved to part 3 of this series. I felt like this might be good background information going forward, as well as answer some questions that weren't really discussed last time. 
> 
> xx Continue at your own risk....

Beca sat on the couch in front of Sandra, the woman waiting patiently for her to start talking. After another minute of her fidgeting Sandra spoke up. 

 

“You know Beca, we can discuss whatever you want. It doesn't have to be anything serious.” Beca looked up at the woman who was watching her. She chuckled nervously. 

 

“I'm sorry. This isn't really my forte. I don't talk about things.” 

 

Sandra just nodded in understanding. “Why not?” She asked.

 

“Usually easier to work it out in my head I guess. Or with music.” 

 

“Music is a good way to work things out. You're a producer if I remember from our session with Chloe?” Sandra asked. Beca was surprised she remembered, she and Chloe had only met with the counselor once so far. 

 

“Yeah. Well trying to be. I'm at a radio station right now.” 

 

“But you worked as a junior producer when you were in LA?” Beca inadvertently cringed at the mention of LA.

 

“Yeah. I was.” She mumbled.

 

“And that's something you'd like to get back to?” 

 

Beca paused for a moment before answering. “I don't know. The station is pretty cool.” 

 

“But you don't get to make music there.” It was a statement more than a question. 

 

“Yeah, the hours are good though. And I like my coworkers. Plus I'm getting paid pretty well.” 

 

Sandra made a couple of notes as she listened. She looked back up at Beca.

 

“What do you like about the hours?” She asked.

 

“Its steady. I do the morning show and a Saturday evening DJ slot so during the week I'm home by noon and don't go in until five on Saturdays.” Beca really did like the work schedule she had. Getting up at 5:00am sucked but she'd grown used to it by now. And she was home every night with - 

 

“Chloe works a similar schedule with her internship, does she not?” Beca glared at the woman.

 

“She does…she works 6:30 to 2:00.” Beca didn't like where this was heading. 

 

“Is that why you haven't been trying to get back into producing? Your schedules line up right now?” Beca hesitated in answering. Of course that was the reason. Who was this woman for making her feel bad about that?

 

“There's no wrong answer here Beca. It would make sense to want to be on the same schedule as your girlfriend.” Sandra said, as if reading Beca's mind. She crossed her arms in front of her, feeling self conscious about her decision to come to see Sandra alone. 

 

Sandra sensed her discomfort and put her hands up. “Let's come back to that. Why don't you tell me more about how you and Chloe met. I know we discussed you joining the Bellas, but how did you two go from being friends to more?” 

 

Beca smiled as she thought about the night things had changed. 

 

_ Beca watched as Chloe walked through the door of the studio apartment they shared. She was wearing a light yellow sundress that stopped just before her knees, tan and yellow sandals, and had her hair clipped back in the front, keeping her bangs out of her eyes. Those eyes looked glossier than usual though and Beca immediately knew something had happened on her date with Bradley tonight.  _

 

_ “Do you want me to kill him?” Beca asked simply as Chloe set down her purse and moved to change clothes. She stopped and looked at Beca, smiling slightly.  _

 

_ “No.” She shook her head. “I was the one who ending things.” Beca was surprised. This was Chloe and Bradley’s sixth date and she seemed to really like him. She’d come home excited to tell Beca all about her nights the other dates, much to her chagrin.  _

 

_ “Want to talk about it?” Beca asked, though she didn’t know why. It would be the same reason as all the others. ‘He just wasn’t right for me.’ ‘Things weren’t meshing.’ ‘It felt like something was missing.’ Chloe didn’t stay in relationships long, not that Beca minded. None of the guys deserved her best friend anyway.  _

 

_ “I want to get drunk, actually.” Beca was not expecting that to be Chloe’s answer. She looked up at the redhead, who was sliding into sweatpants, and grinned.  _

 

_ “Jack or Jose?”  _

 

_ ******************* _

 

_ “Oh my god I can’t believe they cut Betheny!” Chloe squealed at the television in her drunken state. Jose had been the winner this evening, and both girls were three sheets to the wind by the time they crashed on their shared bed and turned on America’s Next Top Model.  _

_ “Dude, she wasn’t even that good.” Beca laughed as she responded, thinking to herself why she even knew that.  _

 

_ “She was sooo pretty though!” Chloe turned toward Beca. “They just shouldn’t let her talk.”  _

 

_ Both girls burst into giggles at that. Chloe stood up to take their empty glasses to the kitchen and Beca couldn’t help watching her as she left. Not that she’d ever admit it, but she had realized about a month ago that her feelings for her best friend had crossed the line into more than friendship. Chloe hadn’t seemed to notice thankfully, so Beca was dealing with the problem on her own. It didn’t help that Chloe kept breaking up with every guy she dated (and one girl). How was Beca supposed to get rid of this annoying feeling when Chloe wanted to spend more time with her than anyone else? _

 

_ “I’m ready to talk about it now.” The redhead stated as she walked back from the kitchen. Beca sat up on the bed, crossing her legs in front of her, prime listening position.  _

 

_ “It just didn’t feel right.” Beca tried to stop the eye roll, she really did, but Chloe caught it anyway. “What? It didn’t.” She said.  _

 

_ “You always say that Chlo. It never feels right.” Beca responded.  _

 

_ “Well...that’s because it doesn’t.”  _

 

_ “Why though?” Beca asked. She thought to herself that she should probably not ask so many questions, but the alcohol in her system meant her curiosity was winning over her filter.  _

 

_ “I don’t know, he just...he was a decent guy, but he was kind of aggressive I guess?” Chloe looked down at her also crossed legs as she continued. “He didn’t like the fact that I’m so busy with school and studying all the time. And he got weirdly jealous when we ran into one of my school friends, but then he was flirty with the waitress at the restaurant like it was no big deal.” Chloe looked back up at Beca, who was watching her intently.  _

 

_ “So he was an ass?” Beca said.  _

 

_ Chloe laughed lightly. “I guess. I don’t know. Maybe I’m reading into things too much.”  _

 

_ “You don’t deserve that.” Beca replied.  _

 

_ “Don’t deserve what?” Chloe asked, tilting her head to the side.  _

 

_ “A guy to treat you that way. You’re not reading into things too much. You should be able to talk to friends, and go to school, and study hard. Those aren’t bad things. He shouldn’t make you feel like they are.”  _

_ Chloe looked at Beca for a moment before looking back at her feet. “Well, he’s not the first to treat me like that.”  _

 

_ “I wouldn’t.” Beca mumbled.  _

 

_ Chloe’s head snapped up at Beca’s words, and she realized she’d just said that out loud. She tried to back track immediately.  _

 

_ “I mean, if I were dating you, I wouldn’t treat you that way.” And that didn’t help, she thought to herself. Beca wasn’t about to look at Chloe even though she could feel eyes on her. “I’m just saying, you deserve someone who wants you to be yourself and have a life.”  _

 

_ “Beca.” Chloe said. Beca still didn’t look at her. “Becs.” She tried again. “Beca look at me.” Finally Beca looked up, slowly, her embarrassment beginning to creep up her neck to her cheeks.  _

 

_ “Don’t look at me like that.” Beca said quietly. “Words are hard.”  _

 

_ Chloe laughed at that, but took Beca’s hand in hers. “I know. I’m going to ask you something and I want you to be honest with me, okay?”  _

 

_ Beca did not want to be honest right now, because she had a feeling what Chloe was going to ask, or at least the general area of questioning. She wanted to rewind her drunken self and not say stupid things. Still, after looking at the curiosity (and possibly excitement) on Chloe’s face she nodded yes.  _

 

_ “What did you really mean? When you said you wouldn’t?”  _

 

_ Beca could feel Chloe running her thumb over her knuckles. Normally it would be a comforting gesture but right now it was adding to the panic that had already taken over Beca’s brain. Looking at Chloe’s face though, watching her, waiting for her answer as if she’d asked about the weather, Beca decided to be honest. Besides, she could always blame the drinking tomorrow.  _

 

_ “I meant just that. I wouldn’t treat you that way. I’d show you off to everyone that I had the chance to. I’d tell you how proud I was that you were killing it in school and would make you playlists to listen to while studying. I’d be grateful for any time we got to spend together because I would know there were other things you could be doing. I would never flirt with anyone else, because I’m an awkward mess and don’t understand flirting anyway, but also because if you had somehow agreed to date my why would I want anyone else?” Beca put her hand to her mouth to physically stop the words from coming out. ‘What the actual fuck?’ she thought to herself. She was already thinking of the best way to apologize for that word vomit when Chloe pulled her closer, bringing their lips together.  _

 

_ Beca isn’t new to kissing. She’d kissed many people before, guys and girls alike, between dating and crazy acapella parties. She’d had good kisses, bad kisses, sloppy kisses, great kisses, drunken kisses, a few awkward kisses. Kissing Chloe though, it wasn’t like anything she’d ever experienced before. Beca wasn’t sure if she was dreaming or not, her body felt like it was floating and grounded all at once. It was new and exhilarating, but felt oddly familiar, as if this was something that Beca did all the time. The thing Beca noticed over everything though, was that it felt simple. Their heads turned naturally the perfect way, their lips met with no awkwardness or uncomfortability. Kissing Chloe was simple. There was no overthinking, no consideration of doing the wrong thing. It just was.  _

 

_ Kissing Chloe was simple. Loving Chloe was simple.  _

 

_ They pulled away slowly and Beca realized Chloe’s hand had worked its way to the back of her neck, where it was currently. She rested her forehead on her best friend’s as her mind caught up with what just happened. They were still close enough that she felt Chloe smiling, so she moved her head back to look up at her best friend. Chloe looked stunning, sitting with her eyes still closed, smiling slightly. The hand that was on Beca’s neck now moved to her mouth, touching lightly, as if she was trying to determine the reality of what just happened. Then her eyes opened, and Beca saw in them what she knew was reflected in hers. It was enough surety for her to tell Chloe exactly what she felt, in the most Beca way possible of course.  _

 

_ “I kinda like you, Chloe Beale.” Once again Chloe laughed, the sound bouncing around Beca’s brain and heart like music notes. She reached for Beca’s hand once again.  _

 

_ “I kinda like you too, Beca Mitchell.”  _

  
  


“And after that, it just kind of was. We never really had ‘the talk’ or anything. We were just each other’s people.” Beca had given Sandra the condensed version of that night, not willing to tell the still almost stranger everything about what happened. 

 

“It was natural then?” Sandra asked. “A natural progression of your relationship?” 

 

Beca nodded yes. “Yeah, I mean, we just kind of fell for each other without realizing it I guess.” Sandra nodded in understanding, jotting something down on her notepad.

 

“Did it ever feel unnatural?” Sandra asked. 

 

“What do you mean?” Beca replied. 

 

“At any point did things feel forced, or rather, did things feel wrong. Either before or after you took your break.” Sandra already knew Chloe had broken things off when Beca was in LA, that was something that had been mentioned in their couple’s session. 

“I guess when I left for LA. It didn’t feel like it was supposed to. I knew I should have been happy, I mean, it was a great job offer and the money was going to help a lot. But I felt...I don’t know…” 

 

“Off center?” Sandra supplied. 

 

“Yes. Exactly that.” 

 

“Is that why you went back to New York?” Sandra questioned. 

 

“No. I mean, maybe.” Beca thought for a moment. She’d gone back to New York because Chloe wasn’t happy and couldn’t be in a relationship with LA Beca. “I went back for Chloe.” 

 

“Why though? Was it just because you didn’t want to lose your relationship?” Sandra asked. 

 

“It scared me. The idea that I could be happy without her. That I was happy without her.” Beca said suddenly, revealing the information not just to Sandra but to herself. She kept speaking. “I was completely oblivious to the fact that Chloe was so unhappy, and it was because I was happy. I missed her, of course I missed her, but I was doing big things at work and I was successful. People were noticing. And even though I wished she was there, I was okay that she wasn’t.” Beca stopped and reflected on what she’d just said. “God that makes me a horrible girlfriend.” 

 

“No it doesn’t Beca.” Sandra said quickly. “It’s important that you can rely on yourself for your happiness. It’s not healthy to only have satisfaction inside a relationship, you have to be able to have self-contentment.” Beca took pause at the words. 

 

“But she ended things because she was unhappy.” Beca questioned. 

 

“That wasn’t because you had found self-satisfaction though Beca. I’d have to ask Chloe, but I would imagine it had more to do with your lack of attention and communication.” Beca looked down at her hands. Sandra had a sound point. She definitely had pushed Chloe to the backburner, especially the last few weeks before that phone call. 

 

“I think Chloe wants you to be happy with your work Beca.” Sandra said. “I think that’s part of the reason she chose here instead of Boston. She wants you to be successful; she just wants to be there for it.” 

 

Beca looked back at the therapist. She took a breath and decided to ask the question that had been on her mind ever since Chloe said she wanted to come to San Francisco. 

 

“What if she resents me for it though?” Beca asked. She was sure Chloe would end up hating her. It was why she was so set on going to Boston.

 

“Why would she resent you?” Sandra questioned.

 

“If...what if I do the same thing? I throw myself into work and start ignoring her? It happened without me even realizing it, ya know?” 

 

“I don’t think it will happen again Beca.” Sandra stated confidently. 

 

“How do you know?” Beca asked. 

 

“I can’t know for sure, of course, but I feel like the fact that you’re so worried about it shows that you want to make this work. You want to be there for Chloe and give her the attention you feel she deserves, right?” 

 

“Of course.” Beca said assuredly. “She deserves way more than me, or more than I was giving her. I don’t want to do that again.” Beca considered her words for a moment. “I won’t do that again.” 

 

“Have you talked to Chloe about any of this?” Sandra questioned. 

 

“No...I didn’t.” Beca said. 

 

“Why not?”

 

“It’s dumb. I mean, I wanted her to pick Boston because that seemed like the best place for her career, but I left it up to her. I don’t have any right to tell her where to go.” Beca replied. 

 

“But don’t you think she’d want to know the concerns you have? You don’t think she’d want to know that you were scared of her resenting you for going back to producing? Or that you wanted her to pick Boston over San Francisco because it would give her less of a reason to resent you if you became successful at work?” 

 

“I never said that.” Beca crossed her arms over her chest, going back to being defensive. 

 

“It’s the truth though, isn’t it?” Sandra asked, leaving the question dangling in the air before Beca. She didn’t want to admit it, but it was the truth. If they’d gone to Boston and Beca somehow found a recording studio to work at it she wouldn’t be as worried about her long hours. Chloe would be at a great internship, one of the best in the country, and she wouldn’t feel like her girlfriend gave that up for her. Beca took too long to answer apparently, because Sandra once again read her mind. 

 

“She didn’t choose San Francisco solely based on you Beca. Her job here is important, and from what I gathered she’s really enjoying it.” 

 

“But she could have hated it and it would have been my fault!” Beca exclaimed out of nowhere. 

 

“Why would that have been your fault?” Sandra asked. 

 

“Because she would have picked Boston if it wasn’t for me.” Beca said quietly. 

 

“Do you know that for sure, or do you feel that way because you resent yourself for letting things be more important than your relationship while you were in LA?” 

 

Beca hadn’t considered that. She didn’t like thinking about these things in the first place, usually pushing her emotions aside or pouring them into music. Had she done that though? Did she resent herself and was projecting that onto Chloe? 

 

“We’re out of time for today, but I want you to do two things for me before we all meet up again next week.” Sandra said. “First, I want you to talk to Chloe. Talk to her about the things we discussed today. Talk to her about LA. Just tell her what you’re thinking and feeling.” Beca nodded and Sandra continued. “Second, I want you to consider the good things you’ve been doing in your relationship since you went back to New York. Write down three things that you feel you’ve been doing that Chloe appreciates. Bring them back on Tuesday with Chloe.” Beca nodded again. 

 

“Okay.” She said. 

 

“I really want you to talk to Chloe, I think you’ll be surprised at her feelings on things.” Sandra said as she stood up. “And I hope you’ll keep having these meetings with me. I know you’re not big on talking about things, but you did a great job today.” 

 

Beca stood up as well. “I think I will keep it up. You might actually be able to help.” She said, making Sandra laugh lightly. 

 

“Well I hope so, it’s what I get paid for.” 

 

Beca walked out toward the elevator feeling a little lighter than she had when she was last here. Maybe San Francisco wasn’t so bad. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me all the comments :)


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